How to deal with fear of child being molested?
Im sorry you are so scared. I know familys are complex but is there any reason you have to have contact with your step father? Can you tell your mom about the abuse? Have you ever had therapy to talk through it and find ways to protect yourself and your children now that you are the adult?
Im sure it is a very painful process as I have never been down that path myself. I know that dealing in reality with the truth of what really happened, while painful is the best way to work through fear.
You need to feel safe in your life and know that you are protecting your children. Go seek help from a therapist who can help you work through it and make a plan. Your life is too short to feel such fear that you can't share the joy of your newest child being a daughter!!
I agree that seeing a therapist is th ebest forst step you can take. I too was molested by my step-father for many years and I have the same types of fears. Heck, I didn't even want to have girls for fear of what could happen to them...and here I am blessed with a 2.5 yr old DD and another due any day.
I however have cut my step-father from my life. Thankfully my mother is no longer married to him so that makes it MUCH easier for me. I have also worked thru counseling and have no problem telling people I was molested.
I DO have huge issues right now with being overly fearful for my daughter's safety, so I am back in counseling and it is helping....
The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is seek help, and if you can do it at all you should be open to telling those close to you about what happened. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. Hiding what happened can only make it harder for you and easier for him....
Hugs and good luck momma!
My experience was a bit different because I was molested by a couple friends of the family, rather than an actual family member. So for me, part of keeping my children safe is just exercising better judgement than my parents did. Like, not sending my children to stay the night with some guy whose a friend, or not hiring a 16yo boy to babysit my kids. Both of which my parents did, and both which provided perfect opportunities for those people to molest me. I'm still very paranoid with my children, I could count the number of people they are left alone with on one hand. My cousin recently had a B-day party for his ds but I refused to attend because it was at the home of the man who had molested his wife. (Her step-father) My son had his first B-Day party w/ a pre-school friend this weekend, and I stayed, I didn't really know those people, especially the father or friends of the family (who were all wonderful people BTW). I was really surprised that some parents did just drop their children off. But I also know that I can't protect my children all the time, and that things can happen so quickly and unexpectedly....... So I try to arm my children, they are allowed to question everything, they do not have to obey adults, and their bodies belong to them, and are not for sharing at this time. I hope I can instill in them enough strength to protect themselves when I can't. My children are still very young, and I know as they get older, they will be in more and more situations where they are away from me and in greater potential risk for all kinds of evils. I just have to hope that I can make good choices and help teach them the same, so they can be as safe as possible without placing them in a bubble. Also wanted to add, that I would absolutely cut the step-father out. If your mother has a problem with it, that really is just too bad. My mom is an incredible dater, and I and my children do not spend time with her revolving door of boyfriends/husbands largely in part to the above reasons. And my mom has had to accept that, she feels judged, and like I'm putting her in a awkward situation, but my children's safety and my own mental well being are just so much more important to me. So kids still see grandma, she just has to find time away from her current man to do it. Your mother could still be a part of your life, even without her husband.
Honey, you should try to heal yourself. :heartbeat
Try not to worry, but be aware of everyone, and keep an eye onyour child.
I was molested by my step father too, for years, but then he left and things were all right after that. But it sounds like yours is still right there and nothing's been processed and still secretive.
In AA we talk about how our "secrets keep us sick". Maybe it's time to really let some light into the room, so to speak. Talk about it with the people in your life. It's safe to talk about it now, you're an adult, they can't hurt you now. You did nothing wrong, nothing to bring that experience on yourself. And you don't have to be around that person, ever. You never have to go back to that.
Like boobybunny said, it's time for some healing.
It took AA and counseling for me to gain some understanding about what I was dealing with in the aftermath of abuse -- and really, most days it just isn't a part of my reality any more. I don't carry the memories around with me, I know what triggers my fears and I either avoid them, or if they come up (as some have recently) I talk to others about it and check my reactions against reality. You'll find your way through it. You're stronger than you know.